anxiety attack
I’m bored.
I want something drastic to happen.
I’m crossing out death, marriage, pregnancy and breaking up from my list.
The high from getting a tattoo is over. Renting on my own isn’t even doing the trick.
I just want more exhilaration. Once again, I’m jaded from all the smooth-sailing non-drama in my life.
I guess losing 15 lbs. would do it. But I’m too lazy to exercise daily and definitely not disciplined enough to eat less or consume nothing but leaves.
I’ve been aware of what I need to do to satisfy my desire. Unfortunately, the time hasn’t come yet, not yet too ripe for the picking. Two years ago, I decided to wait and while waiting, learn. Maybe a year or a couple of months more and I shall submit myself to the torture of this radical challenge. Let’s see if I’m really ready to step out of this boring yet happy and comfortable life. I’m not sure just how much of the good parts I can take with me.
And so I'll say a little prayer.
Dear Lord,
Please give me patience. Right now.
Sincerely Yours, Jenie
3:13 PM
Thursday, August 31, 2006
and the freakiest dream award goes to...
I was in my high school and students were waiting to recite a poem or a prayer they composed, perform an interpretetive dance or what have you. Aja performed with her sister about their separation from each other since the migration. Others raised their hands to recite their masterpieces. Just like old times, I had a bad case of stage fright when performing alone so I stalled my turn and never volunteered. I roamed around the school first and saw Mario & Luigi come to life. I entered their world and became a part of the computer game, but felt like I didn't belong.
When I went back to my class, I came across the teacher who turned out to be Jesus Christ, with the white robe, long hair and beard. He was already leaving with some men or maybe they were his disciples. I figured he was only going to the restroom, I really don't know. I panicked because I haven't had my turn in recitation. I entered and saw that there was a substitute teacher who was going to the next part of the program. I raised my hand and told him with a loud voice that I'm not done yet.
In front, I started reading what I have in my hands. For some bizarre reason, I couldn't read what I have written and I was stuttering like anything. I couldn't figure out why some parts of the prayer were in German, but forced myself to finish anyway. I was devastated for making a fool of myself in class.
Afterwards, I approached the teacher in the person of St. Josemaria Escriva, the founder of Opus Dei! I told him that I apologize for appearing so unprepared but I really did write my own poem and have mistakenly handed it to him. He searched in his pile of papers and found it there. I told him not to mind my performance anymore, but read what I've written instead. He accepted my apology and comforted me, then he asked for my arm. He got a string of beads and tied it around my wrist to make me feel better, and I did.
And that was the freakiest but probably one of the most meaningful dreams I've ever had. It's too dramatic but I know it's somehow related to the prayer I said before going to bed last night.
12:43 PM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
relapse
One thing I learned over the supposedly fantastic 3-day weekend is NEVER to blog about a monthsary in advance ever. Once again, I've caused a disturbance in the harmonious series of events that could've transpired during those days.
I wish not to dwell on the evil ghost that crept into our midst that night. It was a horrible feeling being left alone in the most unhomey place, without knowing what the hell you've done to deserve such behavior. Buckets of tears were shed once more until I found some solace in the dark. The next morning, who would've thought that this puffy-eyed nag I call myself would be such a martyr who forgives the prodigal and disheartened man? Who would've thought that this devastated woman would pick up the pieces and muster enough strength to give hope to ties slowly drifting apart? Who would've known what have permeated my soul in my slumber? All I know is that although I woke up in pain, hope blazed inside me as if it was the answer to a heartfelt plea.
Some may have lost it in a situation like that, but I refused to surrender. I've learned my lesson the last time I did. And in this chapter, giving up is just not a primary option for me. Not even second, or third. It can be frightening, to be honest. It suddenly reminded me of questionable lines from 'The Mexican': "If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?" "Never." Too idealistic if I may say, and not be heard by battered wives and marital rape victims.
So the question remains: In a world where love is fleeting, nobody's perfect and promises are meant to be broken, how do you know when to throw in the towel and flee?
2:45 PM
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
18!
"The strength of a man lies not in the power of his arms, but in the love in which he embraces you."
Yikeeee palusot para hindi mag-gym hehe!
Happy 1 1/2 years this Sunday, Tof!
lotsalove, jenie :-)
11:30 PM
Friday, August 18, 2006
man for 'others'
We're working overtime for a pitch on a Friday! Weeee! I can't believe I've been working on something for... But it's alright, must be professional. Haha whatever!
At least there's no work on Monday, and I get to spend the weekend with T :-) So sorry if we haven't gone out this week. Heavy workload's back, with a vengeance :S I promise to make it up to you though :-)
Happy 3-day weekend, folks!
10:53 PM
ideal and real
Ideally, an employee like me is supposed to do work for ANY client, be it against our will.
So I did, but the deep-rooted rivalry still prevailed.
I rest my case.
"Welcome to the real world, Jenie!"
7:43 PM
Thursday, August 17, 2006
despedidas
At Aja's last despedida dinner before she left for Indonesia. We miss you already, Aja!!!
At Janine's (not in photo, oops) despedida inuman before she leaves for the US next week. Good luck, girl!
I also want to say goodbye to my Starbucks tumbler from Tatoff and to my 89th(?) umbrella. I left both of them somewhere and I hope that St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost things, will hear my plea. Speaking of my quarter life Alzeihmer's, I also left my cellphone here at the office last night! I had to go back at around 11 PM with Tatoff. Ugh, I'm such a burara, I hate it!!! :S
On a lighter note, here's the Design Department's most decent photo to date. Hindi bagay. Hehe.
4:59 PM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
jinx
We had a weighty discussion which ended up in a huge disagreement hours after I wrote my entry last night. Sheesh. And I just said 'We're happy.' Well, we'll try to patch things up later. Okay I shouldn't jinx it anymore. I'll just expect the worst and hope for the best. :P
2:01 PM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
beerday episode 928972732
When someone turns a year older, that only means one thing - free alcohol! Of course, that's my alcoholic subconscious speaking. Anyway, I just wanted to post some photos from a recent wasted session with my officemates. This is only one of the reasons why I can't see myself in another field. I won't post any incriminating photos to save our asses. Hehe :-)
Honorary member na ng ahensya si Tatoy hehe
Camera timers rule! (okay wala na kong maisip na caption)
Pagtripan ang salamin at yellow lighting sa posh bachelor's pad habang sabog.
I like this mushy pic. ( Just cropped out the birthday boy for more drama hehe)
We look happy! Maybe because we are. Yikee!
Okay I might jinx it. No fighting anytime soon please. Yikes.
6:15 PM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
lifestyle check
It’s been more than a month since we moved out of the 36th floor condo unit. My mom’s still as busy refurbishing the house in Sta. Rosa while I stay in a dorm a few blocks away from my office street. I go home during the weekends and make the most out of all the freebies I can hoard, and all the DVDs I can watch overnight. But weekdays are more challenging when you find yourself without your own house, and helper.
Like Tatoff, I’ve become a resident ghost to my roommates. Some are actually shocked if I’m sitting on my upper bunk bed at 10PM. Since there’s no food, laptop, Internet, cable TV, DVD player, and all kinds of technology that makes you sane at the comfort of your own home, I can’t help but find more exhilarating ways to kill time before I call it a day.
Since July, I run to the mall or the gym to seek refuge. Together with my pigout pal. I stuff myself with fastfood daily or foreign cuisine, if I’m not feeling stingy. The Jollibee statue is just as sick and tired seeing us, as we are of him/it. Our living room is the nearby movie theater or Timezone or the cheapest computer shop. We’ve seen 2 movies this week, played AirHockey about 4 times, and even tried Time Crisis 3 to amuse ourselves before going to our respective beds. We talk about anything under the sun (and moon), laugh at all the ghastly knock-knock jokes, and fight over the shallowest things such as startling each other in the middle of a creepy scene in ‘Sukob’.
All in all, it’s been a ‘noisy’ month and a very costly one at that. We know there are so many more productive and less pricey ways to keep us busy, but how come we’ve resorted to all these media? Why can’t we just go home and read a book in silence? What happened to our plan of enrolling for Mandarin classes? Did watching television give us a bad case of attention-deficit disorder? Maybe. And we better do something about it before we become a stockholder of the Ayala Malls.
Nonetheless, I look forward to all these noisy weeknights because of my anti-boredom-buddy, Tatoff. I used to say that when I get into a relationship, I would not depend on him and his schedule. I find myself taking it back as I leave this office building everyday. Be it another movie night, emo night, alcohol night, laugh trip night, pig out night, or mushy night, I’m thankful for every minute of his company. Our house may be far away, but I know I’m very much at home when I’m with him. :-)
5:25 PM
Friday, August 04, 2006
