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meet the predator
call me jenie
born on 02/20/83 after my Dad & Mom drank beer and ate balut 9 months before
lives in Singapore, but always a Pinoy at heart
works as an advertising copywriter, but hates proofreading her blog entries
loves true friends, fake DVD's, alternative music, alcohol, sarcasm, boxing, hatha yoga, and House (the TV series,not the music genre)
loathes indifference, power trippers, narcissists, giant egos and bad breath
tries to live by the quote "Postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing." by Anais Nin
mother knows beast
As I write this entry, my Mom will be on a plane going back to the Philippines. The past week was wonderful, save for some days where my inner beast just can't help but get out of its cage. I've been a bit cranky while my Mom's here but I tried to make up for it as much as I can. I don't know why but she just knows how to annoy me like anything then make me laugh the next minute. I also felt a bit guilty not spending more time with her when I could have. It was even my other boss who gave me the idea of taking the day off when someone from the family is visiting. That same day, I left work a bit early to meet up with her. But the same night, I got word from my officemates that The Boss was looking for me because of a deadline. I freaked out for quite some time and apologized the next day. It was a wake up call for me too, and I realized that I should throw in more effort if I don't want to get thrown out.
My Mom is the soundboard of all my rants in life. From all my teenage angst up to my recent quarter life crisis, she doesn't fail to give me the most practical advice. Last week, I was so mad at someone just for being his usual self, and all she could say was, "Sometimes we must learn to love the unlovable." That's true, but quite an ordeal if you ask me. Especially when all I could think of is violence especially when I'm furious. When I get extremely angry at someone, I imagine punching him in the face and beating him up until he's begging me to stop. My Mom's a bit worried about my hostility because I accidentally told her that I actually punch the wall when pissed. Little did she know that the last time I did that, she was actually the reason.
Anyway, my mother, the supernumerary (Opus Dei devotee, but married), managed to bring me to an Opus Dei center here in Singapore. I swear, they're everywhere! And it's even near the condo so I guess my Mom will be expecting me to visit often. Come on!?!? But you know hanging around with those women actually make me feel so prim and proper, as if I can't even break a beer bottle. Hehe. I, with my own free will and full consent, even went to confession just to make my Mom feel better, and well, heal my sick soul, as she said. She's been bugging me for a year, so I thought why not be nice to her since she's visiting me anyway. Besides, there's the only analogy that convinced me to go was the one mentioned by the priest in KL during my first visit. Most of us don't believe in confession because we have a tendency to repeat the same sins. But he said, "If you know you're going to get dirty after taking a bath, does that mean you're NEVER going to bathe?" Or something like that. But really, it makes sense. I almost stopped believing in that sacrament but when I stepped on Holy Land (Opus Dei Center), I felt this angelic vibe in me. Haha. So there I was, knees shaking, jaw trembling and with butterflies in my stomach. I swear, I'm the most sinful person there. I was expecting an adamant priest, but good thing he wasn't. In fact, he was a bit stoic but it's absolutely okay! The first time I convinced Tatoff to go to confession with me after 1 million years of not going, the Italian priest actually screamed at him in anger. The sin? He shouted at his Mom during a fight. Eye for an eye, huh?
After some soul-cleansing and searching with her help during the 3-day weekend, I must admit I felt better. But I can't deny the fact that I'm not going to commit those sins again. I'll try but I can't promise. It's so hard when there are too much rules imposed on you. Freedom becomes so taboo, even as you grow older. At work, I have to do this and not do that. At home, I have to take note of some house rules. When I'm outside, I always have to be vigilant because this country's too orderly to be true and my OFW butt can't afford to be kicked out. And wherever I go, all my actions and words must be according to a book called the Bible or based on the Examination of Conscience where all possible since are found. Where is freedom in that? But I remember in Philo class that all these rules apply to us, because we were created free - free to choose to do what is right. But then what if THEY actually choose what's right or wrong for us? it doesn't make sense, right? Oh crap, I'm debating with myself. But for some reason, my Mom knows how to answer me when I have these pilosopo questions, and she never really took up Philosophy. She's just naturally religious and have a faith sturdier than Petronas Towers.
Oh and one more newsflash about her. I think she's considering moving here someday to do boost her business. She wants to tap the market here, and there are good signs that it will do well. At first, I was pissed at that idea. I looked for a job abroad to seek independence alone. But then it would be very selfish if I stop my Mom from finding business here, and of course, the chance to be with me during her senior years. After confession last Black Saturday, I just forgot about that angst all of a sudden. And I've been carrying that since I was in college! Haha. I must really be getting old and 'mature'. I just thought this whole work-abroad-and-save-money-to-repay-my-Mom thing contradicts itself if I don't even want to spend time with her. Maybe there's a compromise somewhere out there that can help us reach a win-win situation. Meanwhile, I have to make the most of my alone time and work on my non-existent homemaking skills.
Lastly, I plan to visit home in July. While I was depressed last week, I booked myself some plane tickets.I didn't care if I wasn't a regular employee then, I just wanted to see my loved ones. Later I realized that I should not risk my job for a quick visit at home. My Mom used his "bahala ka" psychology again and convinced me to rebook in an instant. How can I be so stupid and impulsive? Well, apparently that's what homesickness can do.
In a month, my disposition has changed from "Yey I'm alone and independent" to "Shit,what's all this for when your lovedones aren't around?". Before her flight, my Mom kept reminding me to focus on the big goal and don't let setbacks ruin the plan. And of course, to have faith in Him and keep praying especially when I'm lonely, and never be afraid of anything.
Well what can I say? I missed my Mom's nagging. Even if I always shrug them off or tell her to stop blabbing, her words and sermons actually stick and I try to live by them as much as I can. In fact, I remember even the smallest reminders as "don't take a bath right away after working out" and the more serious ones like "when you love someone, there shouldn't be if's or but's". Mothers really know what's good for most of us, even if they can give you a nagging headache trying to prove it sometimes. But I guess they know best when they know their own not-so-little, immature beast inside out.
Mommy and the beast waiting for the Safari bus last Black Saturday. We got left behind because I didn't listen to her :S
See you again soon, Inay Bayani! (the pet name that suits her most)
I'll miss you!!! :)
2:13 PM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Mommy and the beast waiting for the Safari bus last Black Saturday. We got left behind because I didn't listen to her :S
